What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
