This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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