Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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