Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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