I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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