I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
