Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
