I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
