I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
