I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
