She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
