Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
