I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
