Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
