...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I supernannyed him into submission
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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