The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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