Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
