I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
