Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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