I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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