the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
