he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize