wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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