i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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