Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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