I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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