I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
