Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
