I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I pour the whiskey from now on
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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