would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Can Purell be used as lube?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
