Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
