1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
