can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
