its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
