I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
