Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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