even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
