If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
