guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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