I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
