Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
