i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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