Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i believe in u and ur pee
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