My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
