he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
