The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
