How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
