booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
