and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
