WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
